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by Beth Bailey

An interview with Lower School counselor, Shelli Reetz

There are several types of empathy: emotional empathy, when you feel an emotional pull; cognitive empathy, when you think about how someone might feel; and applied empathy, acting in a compassionate way toward someone else. As parents, we want to encourage and develop the third type of empathy in our kids. We want them to learn how to use internal feelings or thoughts to impact their relationships and even affect our community. We want them to cultivate compassion through practice.

This is a thread that runs through the student experience here: from service projects in our Lower School classrooms to the hospice program that is an elective for our Grade 12 students.

I had the opportunity to chat with Shelli Reetz, our Lower School counselor, to delve a bit deeper into this topic. Enjoy our Q & A.

Q: How is applied empathy learned and reinforced throughout the Lower School?

Applied empathy is an integral part of what we do in the Lower School.  Classrooms implement responsive classroom practices and in my case, through classroom-based counseling lessons. These center around a specific topics such as focusing on making the link between self and others. We integrate this by modeling ways to be kind or noticing when someone else might be feeling in a way we need to act upon.

Q: Empathy is an important gateway to social and emotional growth in children. What are some characteristics or “milestones” to look for?

It is very typical for young children to be egocentric during early phases of their development. It’s part of figuring out what they are about as little humans. At Harley, we encourage them to begin thinking about other people because we need to get along with others in the classroom and in the world. One of our goals is to help children problem-solve around different situations. How are they feeling? Can they name the feeling? How can they then recognize that feeling in others?

Some people say certain people just are naturally “more empathetic.” Some children may be more skilled at this because of the way their personality operates, but all children can learn empathy if we teach it, model it, and support their practice. The goal isn’t just to understand what empathy is. It’s to extend it to feelings, experiences, and how to act so that you are helpful and compassionate.

Q: How can parents show empathy in the way they parent?

  • Model compassion and kindness
  • Model noticing feelings and the experiences of others

By sharing our own feelings, we help to create a safe environment for children to ask questions about what is happening around them.

Even when redirecting our children, we can acknowledge how they feel while still following through on a consequence. It a great opportunity to really talk with them and help to separate their behaviors from themselves. (“We all make mistakes…” “It’s ok to feel big feelings”)

Those little moments can help children to understand that other people have feelings or reactions, even in a moment of disagreement or difficulty. Having these conversations in developmentally appropriate ways allows for reinforcement of what is being learned in the classroom.

Q: How can being empathetic influence someone’s life as they grow up?

Anyone can learn this at any time! The human spirit has the ability to change and grow at any age. It impacts all aspects of adult life as well from job and relationship success, to self-care and  dealing with negativity and set backs.

As parents, we may want to shield our children from adversity, but experiencing some difficulty builds resilience and also helps the child to be more compassionate. As students move on to Middle School, Upper School, and college they will be able to understand: what their challenges and privileges are and how both of these interact to form their world view. Hopefully, this will lead them to act so they can make a difference in the world.

One Final Note

In her Counseling Corner newsletter, Shelli provides links, book titles, and other information for parents. An interesting, recent book about applied empathy from a neuroscience perspective is:

Second Nature: How Parents Can Use Neuroscience to Help Kids Develop Empathy, Creativity, and Self-Control” by Erin Clabough. She discusses using key insights from brain development research to learn self-regulation, a master life skill founded in empathy, creativity, and self-control. It’s worth reading and the style of her writing is engaging, not clinical.

You are welcome to reach out to Shelli at any time: sreetz@harleyschool.org.

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Harley’s Approach to College Counseling is highly individualized and student-centered. Students have direct access to college counselors throughout their Upper School experience, but really, each student is part of a team including faculty, administration, and staff. It’s our job to support each student and we want nothing more than to send students on to the next step of their journey at a right fit school for them. The student centered and driven process is wrapped in care, expertise, and professionalism.

We host college reps during times students are available (no need to miss a class) so they can make connections and learn more about potential schools. We also arrange campus visits for classes as field trips, host an alumni college day (where recent Upper School graduates return to share advice and answer questions), and help connect students with our international alumni network. In fact, representatives from schools all over the world actively seek opportunities to come to Harley and meet with our students!

Our college counselors are accredited and are part of national/global conversations on admission trends. They also attend and present at conferences across the country.

Beginning with our Grade 11 parent night, we offer informational sessions for parents, including one devoted just to financial aid. Our partnership with families is critical, as the college admissions world changes very quickly and having an expert to guide students and families through the process is essential.

View the downloadable College Counseling Guide

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“Club Rush” is an afternoon every fall in the Upper School when students have the chance to sign up for clubs for the year, and each year it is very different because new clubs are created based on student initiative and enthusiasm.

A few of this year’s choices: Sports Media, Social Action Club, Journalism Club, Feminism Club, Student of Color & Allies (SOCA), Gay-Straight Alliance, Tri M (music honor society), E-Sports Club, Euchre, Key Club (service), Animation Club, Dungeons & Dragons, Sustainability Club, Jewish Cultural Club, Astronomy Club, Biomimicry, and Beyond Soup (social justice/service).

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​Each and every year, students at The Harley School participate in HAC Athletics, and their success continues to be impressive, both as students and athletes. Our athletic program is an integral part of Harley, teaching student-athletes invaluable lessons about teamwork, time management, persistence, and competition.  Our program allows them to develop physically, mentally, socially, and emotionally as they represent their school on and off the field. They grow, mature, and work hard to be the best teammate they can, while creating lifelong memories with teammates who often remain friends for life. 

Helping our athletes to reach their potential are some of HAC’s best assets: our coaches. More often than not, they are drawn from the ranks of our faculty and  have a deep understanding of the personalities and abilities of the student-athletes on their teams.  

We strive to find the right balance of academics, exercise, and personal growth for everyone.  By offering a variety of sports at many different levels, all student-athletes find a sport they can be successful in. It is with great pride and pleasure that my team and I work to enrich the athletic lives of all our HAC student-athletes. Go Wolves! 

To learn more check out our athletics page.

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Our Upper School is filled with formal and informal opportunities for students to take on leadership roles. Whether following passions or learning new skills, student-driven opportunities take many shapes.

– Independent study: one trimester, full year, and multi-year projects have included automating our solar chimneys, coding handmade musical instruments, or developing a class on financial literacy for underserved high school students.

– Serving on student council

– STEM: Climate curriculum program, biomimicry program, NASA Hunch program

Clubs

“Club Rush” is an afternoon every fall in the Upper School when students have the chance to sign up for clubs for the year, and each year it is very different because new clubs are created based on student initiative and enthusiasm.

A few of this year’s choices: Sports Media, Social Action Club, Journalism Club, Feminism Club, Student of Color & Allies (SOCA), Gay-Straight Alliance, Tri M (music honor society), E-Sports Club, Euchre, Key Club (service), Animation Club, Dungeons & Dragons, Sustainability Club, Jewish Cultural Club, Astronomy Club, Biomimicry, and Beyond Soup (social justice/service).

Hospice

Unlike this class, death is not an elective. Although it is one of two universal human experiences, our culture often ignores, denies, or misconstrues the true nature of death and dying. What happens when we bear witness to this natural process in the cycle of life and develop our ability to be fully present with others when they need us more than ever? It has the potential to change us deeply and fundamentally while shining a brilliant light on the path of our own lives.

With the support of their classmates, teacher, and comfort care home communities, senior students are offered the chance to care for others who truly need their purposeful, non-judgmental attention. In the home-like setting of a comfort care home, opportunities for learning extend beyond a traditional classroom rubric and conventional methods of evaluation. In this course, students will certainly find tangible “learning outcomes” by studying the medical/physical processes associated with dying and the basic nursing assistant skills of comfort care. The ultimate goal, however, will always be rooted in true relationships and connection, which occurs only through empathy and compassion.

Learn more about the Hospice Program at Harley HERE.

Capstone/Independent Studies

This program utilizes environmentally-focused approaches to education and hands-on learning in order to foster the next generation of leaders through a lens of sustainability and problem-solving.

Food & Farm: These year-long and trimester-long classes are held outside as much as possible, allowing students to become leaders in our various growing spaces. They cover environmental justice issues as well as hands-on work such as planning and overseeing planting, harvesting, and preparation of the gardens.

Past year-long focus projects have included: Creating a native plant shade garden in the Wild Wood area, redesigning our hydroponic system, overhauling Harley’s high tunnel, and improving the irrigation system for the MicroFarm.

Culinary Arts: These classes have a two-fold purpose: to give students practical skills in cooking and the science behind different techniques in the kitchen, learning about food justice, food sourcing, labor topics, and sustainability.

Past topics have included: Examining a plant-based diet, looking at the carbon footprint of different meals and food preparation methods, proposing a low carbon footprint menu to the dining hall, links between food labeling and environmental issues of food production.

Beekeeping: This one trimester class provides hands-on training in beekeeping, how to be a beekeeper, and safety and other techniques for working with bees. Once trained students help with all aspects of Harley beekeeping such as hive inspections, honey collection and extraction, and teaching students in Lower School about our hives.

Students pick a research topic addressing honeybee health and the larger environmental picture.

Social Justice

At Harley, our students learn how to evaluate social systems in order to identify complex problems in society through a lens of social justice. They take a hands-on approach to working for a fair, equitable society by researching, exploring and evaluating different perspectives, and offering solutions—both theoretical and practical.

Our faculty integrate social justice into our broader curriculum to assist students in gaining a foundational knowledge about what makes a democracy function. By gaining skills in ideating supportive pathways they become more exposed and experienced to how communities can undergo healing and restorative actions.

 

Capstone/Independent Studies

Students may create independent studies with supervising teachers throughout their Upper School experience or, during Grade 12, they can design Capstone projects—intensive collaborations with Harley faculty and off-campus mentors—involving rigorous academic study and culminating in public presentations. They are empowered to create their own curriculum, set goals, and work on time management skills in order to accomplish their objectives.

Independent Studies run the gamut from The Psychology of Sports to Furniture Design to The Neuroimaging of Alzheimer’s Disease. Capstones, meanwhile, are as diverse as the students who pursue them: Fictional Rochester, Autobiographical Art, Biomimicry Education, Organic Fuel, and Rochester Refugees. 

Indicative of Upper School curiosity and creativity, pursuits such as these distinguish our graduates in college. Through deep dives of this sort, Harley students master more than speaking, writing, and computing: they learn to communicate, advocate, collaborate, organize, listen, and empathize. 

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